An Owls Soul

random to do list

2012-02-15T03:28:00.000-08:00

- Terrarium
- Fish tank
- Buy more cookbooks and
- Find more recipes
- Write book
- Inspiration books
- More research on:
a. Fungi
b. Herbs
c. Space
d. Tea
- Paint more
- Summer Art Show
- Plant based diet

humanity

2012-02-15T02:43:00.000-08:00

The magnitude of human greed is so incomprehensible to me.

Sometimes, I try to look at this Earth through God's eyes, and honestly?

I don't know how He does it.

With all the information I've gathered over the course of my life, I can definitely say this world is a terrible place. And so can you. And you. And you over there. We can all agree on the fact that from all the information we've compiled from experience, documentaries, studies, and so on, that this earth is filled will horror unimaginable. But each of us only know so much. Even if we knew more than the person next to us, the percent of our knowledge of the events going on in our world is limited.

And then I attempt to see the world the way God does. Seeing and knowing of every human act ever committed and every act that is being committed and will be committed. Seeing the devastating state of our environment. The greed. The hopelessness in human hearts. The pain. The violence. Everything. He sees every single thing. He knows every thought. EVERYTHING.

Have you ever thought about that before? The fact that God knows everything yet loves us so much? This truth cannot be fathomed by my tiny human mind. How can such a magnificent God have such a love and compassion for us pitiful beings, running rampant on this once glorious playground with our lewdness and rebellion? How does He forgive us? How could He even want us?

Of course this wraps around the truth of mercy, and the cross. Of course this is the point of Jesus' life. Amazing grace, we call it. The great news of salvation and redemption.

Don't you people see? Can't you see how this is the most beautiful love story that ever existed and ever will exist? How a wondrous God WANTS to save the worms and scum that is humanity? How He could forgive His creation that so selfishly turned it's back on Him and still does day in and day out?

There will never be a day where I can wrap my head around this beautiful truth. There will never come a day where I can comprehend any of this. But that too is the wonderful thing about it. It's this mysterious yet straightforward love that is there just waiting for us to take it. And it's ours if we want it. Undying, unconditional love. Think about those words. UNDYING. UNCONDITIONAL.

How can God see all of this yet love us?

Because He is God.

And we are forgiven for all our treachery.

And grace is ours if we want it.

Can't you see how beautiful this is?

Can't you just feel heaven at your feet,

The way you feel a breeze through the bottom of a door?

Sometimes, just thinking about the truth of this world makes me hate it so much. With as much compassion for this world and it's inhabitants as I have, I still carry so much anger with me over the cruel things we all do. But it's what I do with this anger that matters. But what I really want to get at is this: Heaven is so close, you guys. This Earth will perish very soon and I can taste Heaven just around the corner. If I die today, I carry the joy in my heart that I'd get to leave all this behind and finally be in perfection. But if I don't die today, I carry the hope that one day I will. Because death is nothing I should be afraid of. It's living this life without purpose that scares me.

I feel like I've got ADHD when writing this because there are so many thoughts here. But we have to take our lives seriously. We have to live in God's love and forgiveness. We have to act on our beliefs. We have to have hope. And we should strive to make God proud (even though His love for us isn't based on our acts, because we live in grace through faith). We need to be obedient and virtuous. Carry our morals with us always. Open our hearts to others. Love one another no matter what they've done. Forgive others. BE LOVING TO OUR NEIGHBORS THE WAY GOD LOVES US: UNCONDITIONALLY.

paths and directions

2012-02-14T03:52:00.000-08:00

To be frank, I absolutely hate how flaky I can be. Flashes of passion and inspiration blaze through my heart, and as quickly as they've appeared, they're gone. Whether it's something as simple as keeping up with an exercise routine, to something as important as health standards and morale, I find myself stumbling often and giving myself a nice face palm in discouragement and disappointment. Self control and self discipline are things I lack in very many areas in my life, and there's no getting around that and I freaking hate it. So I'm proposing that it's time to buck up and stop being stupid. I'm an adult now, and this isn't high school any more. Real life is hitting me from all angles, and I'm deciding to put down my walls of denial and fantasy and get straight with myself.

I am such an idealistic person, with my high standards and fantasies about living this certain life with these certain beliefs and so on, but it's so hard to live up to these. It's true that we are our own worst critics, and I'm sure I don't seem so terrible to others as I seem to myself. But this self realization of my flaky behavior is a good thing, because reflecting on this means I'm holding myself accountable to the next step: do I go forwards, or backwards?

The person that I am is such an emotionally driven person, that it's so easy for me to become swept up in things I become inspired by. I jump on bandwagons and ride until it becomes bumpy or maybe a little boring during a certain point in the journey, and slowly and gradually stray from the path I was so much in awe of. I look back at it, over my shoulder, as the beauty becomes further from visibility. But as my eyes are staring at what I'm walking away from, I cannot see the destructive path I've left that beauty for. I become a sheep walking to it's own slaughter, yet I am not completely helpless. I can change this.

So I'm at that point where I'm stopping, reflecting, and turning around to chase after that beauty once more. I have no idea if I'm going to flake out again and just give up. Only God knows how hard I'm going to work to live up to my standards and morals. But what I do know is that I want this so bad. It's time to really work hard for my life and what I want. Buckling down is never easy, but I must restrain myself. I must put in the sweat and toil for the things that I'm dreaming of. I can't afford to be reckless with my life anymore. There's just no more room for folly and bad decision making. Wasting time cannot be an option, and it's now the time to put myself under a bright light for questioning. I'm slapping answers out of myself and now the journey begins...

TODAY.

flashback friday : europe

2012-02-11T01:55:00.000-08:00

There are no words to describe how much my heart hurts to look at these pictures. I want to be back so terribly bad. One day...

wish list wednesday part 2

2012-02-08T05:54:00.000-08:00

If this categorizes me as a nerd, so be it.

But I love posters like these far too much to deny it.

I think I'm going to take up poster collecting.

thought

2012-02-08T04:39:00.000-08:00

Am I a little insane?

I think I'm a little insane.

Anyone agree?

Paintings by Pakayla Biehn

wish list wednesday : 10 things

2012-02-08T04:27:00.000-08:00

I would like:

• To finish a painting by next week.

• To begin writing out a chapter of my book.

• Discernment.

• Better concentration during prayer.

• Rest.

• To keep drawing. I cannot give up.

• To stay motivated in all these things.

• To radiate love as hard as that is.

• To keep working hard on being virtuous.

• Affection...

Some thoughts of mine from my twitter if you haven't already seen...

• It's amazing when you think about how every single thing on this planet is temporary besides our souls.

• Just stay quiet till you have the right words to say. Don't just talk and hope the right thing comes out. It most likely won't.

• Our words carry weight, so bite your tongue if you're not willing to deal with the consequences that come from not thinking before you speak

• It's hard work striving to be a graceful, gentle, wise and virtuous woman. That's why it's so rare finding one.

• Build people up rather than break them down. Try to make sure everything that comes from your lips leaves people encouraged and loved.

• Your heart is one of the most deceitful things in the universe. Therefore don't follow it - lead it.

wye oak : fish

2012-02-08T04:13:00.001-08:00

struggle to breathe

2012-02-08T04:11:00.000-08:00

My apologies once again for not posting as much as I want to. This apology is mostly just me apologizing to myself because I had told myself that I'd keep this up.

As always, this short hiatus was caused by much thinking and troubles of the mind. It's easiest for me to take a break from posting to get things in order on my inside so that nothing I give out becomes jumbled and tangled in my uncertainties.

I wish I could write it all out, but most of the things I'm wrestling with are still faceless brutal strangers, tackling me to the floor nightly, calling out my name and wishing for answers I cannot provide. Does that sound strange? Does that even make any sense?

I am fine, I can say that. I just always seem to pile things onto myself during the most inconvenient of times. Maybe I unknowingly do it just to humor myself. But that's a debate I don't really care to go into. All I know is that my future has been weighing down heavily on my shoulders, and although I shouldn't worry or fret, I do of course from time to time. This being another weak moment where I need to pull myself up by my bootstraps and carry on.

There are so many things I want to say, but to lay them out in detail in a way that's conceivable with take some time, but things have become a little clearer as each day passes so I'm sure I'll have lots of thoughts to spout out here. More to come soon guys, I promise.

PS: Pray for me please. For strength and discernment. Clarity would be great too...

the equaliser

2012-02-08T03:57:00.000-08:00

Is it strange to call something "too nostalgic"?

Sometimes, there are certain memories that I choose not to open the door to because it's almost painful to think about. And this isn't the kind of pain you're probably thinking of. Sure, some of them are a little unsettling to relive in my head, but the way I mean painful is how it just hurts your chest as the film starts to roll in your brain. Your eyes start to flicker almost like you're about to faint and for some reason you almost feel drunk. This could be similar to where you find something so overwhelmingly beautiful that you nearly can't function when it hits your senses.

For me, a lot of the time it happens through music. First comes the music, and along the melodies and between the instruments creep in the memories that are so familiarly tied to them. It's crazy to think how music can trigger reminiscing the way that it does. Just a simple song can bring back the energy of a certain era in your life with such haste that it can hit you as violently as a train. And out of the haze and dust you find yourself being sucked into a whirlwind of emotions you feel you almost can't escape.

And then you find the pause button and hit it so quickly that you surprise yourself just as if you were a little kid scrambling for your remote when a horror movie trailer comes on during a commercial break. The nostalgia screeches to a halt and reality firmly steps back into place. Time commences as it should.

Breathing becomes a bit easier. That tightness in your chest tends to dissipate.

And then your visions fade into the safe in your mind, just waiting until that right song triggers the turning of the dial, unlocking the door to haunt you once more.

This has been my night. And it has effectively pained me so.

waiting for superman

2012-02-07T04:00:00.000-08:00

There are so many things going through my head lately. Thoughts about life and where I'm headed. It's difficult for me to even gather myself to write out this post (and I apologize for it being long over due).

I just now finished watching a documentary called Waiting For Superman.

In a nutshell, it exposed the tragic downfall of our country's public school system, and the effect it's having on our nation's children. It was a film compiled of interviews, facts, and illustrations to show how defective our schools are in giving kids a sturdy education, preparing them for college, and setting them up for a successful future. As a parent, I was hard hit with just how much of a struggle it is in these times for parents to be confident in their child's school, teachers, and curriculum. When I think about my own experiences in school, I can definitely testify to the lack of love and motivation in a lot of teachers and staff, and the low standards a lot of them had. Of course there were a decent amount of strong, smart, educated teachers whom I still love dearly to this day. But what I can recall easiest is observing the way these teachers were overwhelmed with the people who sat in the chairs directly in front of them, staring blindly at their desks, counting down the minutes until that bell rang for their "freedom".....

It's sad to think about how impersonal relationships between students and teachers have become in so many schools. The lack of love for their craft has depleted over years after seeing students unyielding to their methods of teaching. It's even more sad thinking about how ungrateful my fellow students were towards their teachers. Yes, there were teachers who's styles weren't the easiest to adjust to, and there were teachers who were just plain difficult to learn from. But when I think in hindsight to my past teachers, a lot of them were beautiful people who went unappreciated by bratty, selfish teenagers and preteens.

A huge chunk of why our schools are failing is due to the relationship between teacher and student. Don't get me wrong, there are so many great and amazing teachers out there doing an incredible job, and I can name a few for myself. But, there are a lot out there who's hearts aren't in their classrooms anymore. They no longer yearn to reach out to these young adults to steer them in a positive and productive direction. They lack a sense of accountability and see their jobs as just that.... JOBS. Being a teacher is an opportunity to prepare our future leaders and workers for what's ahead with love - tough love albeit - but love. Yet this love is depleting all over our nation.

For some reason, I have a very impulsive nature. I can become so inspired and excited about an idea, but a lot of the time I realize that it's no good or that it's not really going to work, even though it seemed like it would in those moments of inspiration. Like my one night "revelation" that I would become a chef, when in reality, after tracing my thoughts down to the core of why I felt it was so right, it was more of my desire to please people and entertain them, rather than a true love for things culinary. I can be recklessly impulsive I admit. Sometimes down right silly and foolish.

And so when I admit that after watching this documentary, my heart is being steered into wanting to be a teacher, I'm just afraid that this is just impulsiveness fueled by inspiration and passion for the things this film brought to the table. But then I think about how for such a long time, I've thought about being some kind of counselor. A guidance counselor maybe, just something where I can help people. There are people who would say I'd be wrong for something such as guidance because of the events that have taken place in my own life... didn't go to college, had children out of wedlock after graduation, so on and so forth. What kind of guidance would I be able to offer, right? What parent would trust me to lead their child in a healthy direction when by my own hands I basically turned my own life upside down with my foolish choices?

But who's to say that my weaknesses and faults - my mistakes and foolish actions - can't help steer others in a better direction? There's a way that I can turn my own experiences into life lessons for people going through hardships similar to mine, and I can draw from my own life to help guide young people in a beautiful direction. Young people, teenagers, high schoolers... they're / we're always finding themselves / ourselves at cross roads. A lot of them find themselves at the same cross roads I found myself in. So what I truly truly want to say is that maybe, just maybe, there's this thought in my head that I could possibly want to be a teacher or counselor of some sort. Maybe even being an art teacher would be amazing. Of course I'd have to get a higher education than the one I have now, but just to be there for others who need guidance is a position I'd love to be in, no matter how incredibly difficult and messy it can and would be. But I know my heart would be in it - my whole heart. There's nothing more in my life that I'd want than to help others. That may seem like a stretch to say, but my heart yearns for it. I have so much compassion for people and love for them, even if I don't express it as much as I should. I'm so very flawed and struggle with affection sometimes and being selfless, but I still have this burning desire to be someone's shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen. I want to be there for people so bad, so maybe becoming someone who's "job" is to help others is my purpose in life, who knows? My heart just yearns to encourage people and love on them. To bring people up and to show them that they can believe in themselves and that their dreams and hopes matter. I want people to KNOW THAT THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL AND MEANINGFUL AND FULL OF POTENTIAL. My heart just wants to scream out to people how much beauty I see in them, even with how horrible people can be all at the same time. But even horrible people need love. People become horrible sometimes because maybe all they needed to hear was that someone thought they were important and beautiful and so much more than they can wrap their heads around.

I mean, maybe it doesn't even have to be young adults. I'd love to just build up and encourage little children! Show them that they have so much potential and to believe in themselves. I just want to help people. Maybe my desire to love on people just has to be channeled into the right thing. Whether it's teaching or guidance or some other kind of helping others out... I just need to do this.

It's also about educating... working kid's brains, obviously. Preparing young adults. Feeding children the right things since they are living sponges soaking up everything around them. Helping them become educated, smart, sage adults... So many thoughts.... so many...

All I can do at this point is pray about it. There's still so much thought to be put into this and it's only just my beginning in this thought process. So please don't take any of this too seriously, but I just wanted to put it out there. These are just thoughts written out. Who knows what this'll lead to. Just this or something more. I'm just filled up with so much in my heart that I wanted to share. What do you guys think? Do you guys think I could handle being someone in that kind of position? What are your guys' thoughts on this? Good, bad, constructive, brutally honest... Any kind of feedback would help. I'm at a crossroads myself in trying to figure out what to do with my life. I have no idea how much longer I have on this earth, and what my future holds, but I just want to do God's will. So now, again all I can do is pray, and see wherever God guides me. Love you all.

John Krasinski

2012-02-01T02:23:00.000-08:00

Seriously one of the most amazing and hilarious story tellers out there.

Doesn't miss a beat. Could listen to him for hours and hours.

The quality on these first three suck, but they're so great, and the forth

video is just thrown in there for fun.

Enjoy. I know you will.

fields and forests

2012-01-24T00:13:00.000-08:00

Powering through high speed winds and fleeing from a killer wasp were only a few of the perks that came from my joint photo shoot with Michelle yesterday. It was definitely a learning experience, one I dubbed our "practice shoot" since we planned on going up country this Wednesday to go at it once again. Although our shoot wasn't as timely and convenient (tourists, bad afternoon lighting, wind, etc.) as we would have like it, this time around we will surely be more prepared. I'm friggin' excited! Yesterday was quite a little adventure, and we definitely got some great shots of each other, so our toil wasn't left unrewarded! And now I know what to expect with my Fujifilm Instax camera. Not all the shots we took with it turned out as great as I'd hope, but it takes experimentation and practice to get it right with pretty much anything you do in photography.

So without further ado, here are what I think were the greater shots of myself

taken by the wonderful

Michelle !

Monday Music & Quote

2012-01-23T11:10:00.000-08:00

Finally Moving by Pretty Lights

R.I.P. Etta James ♥

"A fox is a wolf who sends flowers."

- Ruth Weston

Happy music & quote Monday!

inspiring saturday : instant film

2012-01-21T04:16:00.000-08:00

Eek! Look what magical things came in a magical box from magical Amazon? I am ecstatic about my new Fujifilm instant camera. I'm so sad about Polaroid film being discontinued, and I'm not sure what I can do about my old Polaroid 600 camera. I've seen a new Polaroid film being made by people who bought some of the old equipment from one of their old factories, but I heard that those making the film still have much work to do, seeing that the film isn't as great as the original 600 film. AND the price for that film is ridiculous, around $30 for I believe 8 exposures. No thank you. So, I decided to go with this bad boy. I've read great reviews, and will stick with this until I can afford to get an Instant Back for my Diana F+ camera that takes the mini instant film of this kind.

I Googled some other's images of their own instax film, and was inspired from their shots. I don't really think there aren't too many out there aspiring to do with their film what I'm aspiring to do with mine: for photo shoot purposes that is, so I didn't find amazing shots, but I did find a few beautiful ones.

So, thus brings me to saying : Happy Inspiring Saturday! I hope these few images stir up something in you like they did for me. I can't wait to experiment during my photo shoot with Michelle this Sunday! I'm so excited I could pee my pants. Hooray!

(These aren't my images. Found these images on google / flickr / random sites)

flashback friday part two

2012-01-20T05:08:00.000-08:00

I swear, we must've been high throughout most of middle school.

Christian the lion

2012-01-20T04:29:00.000-08:00

Every time I watch these videos I sob like a little child. One of my favorite stories!

A Lion Called Christian

flashback friday : Nick Vujicic

2012-01-20T04:07:00.000-08:00

I can't exactly recall what year this is from. I must've been sixteen or seventeen at the time, but when I had gone to the H.I.M. (Hawaii Islands Ministries) Conference with some friends of mine, one of the main guest speakers was Nick Vujicic. Nick was born without arms or legs, but despite his circumstance, is one of the most joyful, happy, and faithful men of God I've ever had the pleasure of meeting. His story is truly amazing! No matter where you are in life, no matter what you're going through, no matter what your situation is, God has a plan for your life. It's all about faith and trust. He's such a beautiful person, inside and out. I remember my friend Darcy and I talking about how adorable he is, and how amazing it is to think that he doesn't have a girlfriend or isn't married yet! He's truly an inspiration, and is changing people's lives all over the world. Just watch these videos:

two things

2012-01-20T03:23:00.000-08:00

Last night I watched the documentary / musical / film Bombay Beach by Alma Har'el. It was strange and beautifully made. I found myself smiling quite often during scenes. It's simple, but heart breaking. It's a movie on struggle and a very low key life in a desert. Again, for some reason there's this reoccurring theme to all my experiences lately : focus on people, not things. This film brought me back down to earth. Forget all the worldly possessions and invest in relationships and others. Take time to converse with people. Don't get so caught up in the world, but get caught up in humanity. Take a step back and look at your fellow human beings. Find out their stories. Listen to them. Pick their brains. Crave to converse with those around you. I really did love this movie. If you're into indie films, and strange / interesting films for that matter, I highly recommend it. But honestly, it's one of those films where you'll either love it, or think it's a waste of your viewing time. So, watch this trailer and decide for yourselves. I guess you could just say I'm really into eccentric strange things.

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Secondly, I had my last post-pardum check-up with my midwife Merrily Daly. She's such an incredible woman! She's a God send, and will remain one of those special people in my heart who's done an incredible thing for me. My birth experience with her was one of the most surreal things I've ever lived through, and I'm so proud to say I gave birth at home, naturally, with the help of a beautiful woman like Merrily. There isn't one bad thing I could say about her, and if ANYONE wants to ever experience the beauty of a home birth on Maui, she's absolutely the best person to do that with. I couldn't imagine having gone through this whole process with anyone else, and I wouldn't want to. Although we live on opposite ends of the island, I hope that in the future I get to see more of her, and have more of her in my life. Open, kind, loving and down to earth are just a few of her great qualities. I'm gushing about her, I know. She's just great, and I'm sad to have had that last visit. But I cannot say goodbye to her. I can only say "hope to see you soon" because goodbyes are far too permanent, and a goodbye is something you'll never be one hundred percent sure about.

wonderful encounters

2012-01-20T02:47:00.000-08:00

It's amazing to think that the mere timing of all the events around us cause so many wonderful and interesting situations you find yourself in. Today couldn't have started any different than it usually does, with Bonnie sleeping into the mid morning hours. Of course, I find myself groggy from exhaustion but forcing myself out of bed before I beat myself up for sleeping in. Around noon we made our way down the road towards the beach for some mother daughter time. Strangely enough, I run into my neighbor fresh out of the ocean after taking photos of sea horses near shore, and an old family friend all in the same moment. When we got down to a nice little spot on the sand, a few older women walking by swooned over my chubby cheeked sleeping baby in her stroller, which is the normal reaction whenever we're out and about. Out of the woodwork comes a very eccentric older woman making her way down towards us, when inevitably, she takes a peek at the little girl besides me. Then all of a sudden, small talk gradually turns into this deep and wonderfully stimulating conversation that seemed to have benefitted both of us. She was a raw woman - real and gritty. The way she talked about life and traveling left me craving for more, especially when she mentioned she majored in psychology. If circumstance permitted, I would've sat there in the sand exchanging ideas and words with this human all day long. Of course, reality came into play. Her phone rang and she went her way, leaving me with so many questions and no answers, in the way that she stirred up a lot in me because of her intriguing nature.

Then as time went by, laying with Bonnie, I started to breast feed her when a voice from behind me said "Thank you for doing that in public! Seriously!" and to my horror, I thought "Oh great. Another rude woman opposed to my semi exposed body" but the thought must've translated in my deer in the headlights eyes because she then felt the need to explain herself. "No, really! Thank you. I'm a midwife!"

Thank God. And from then, the conversation just skyrocketed into my home birth and her practice in midwifery. From children, to great funny stories, to all kinds of wonderful things, I found myself sitting with another older woman, most likely around her late 30's, early 40's, talking comfortably about things we saw eye to eye on. She invited me into her cabana where her son and mother were, and we all just took our parts sharing stories and excitement on shared views on life and motherhood / birth. It was incredible, that even our obvious age difference didn't stop us from talking as if we'd known each other from years back.

Again, reality came into play as I realized it was getting late and I had to head home, but these experiences left me amazed at how one thing can lead to such wonderful encounters. But it doesn't stop there. On our way home, by mere chance, I had walked past the house of a dear friend as they were walking across the street to the store. This isn't just any encounter. I've been praying for a change to run into this person for months now, not being able to get a hold of them and wondering how they were doing. And as time passed, I didn't think I'd see this person for a long time, until today! I was so thankful for seeing them and being able to catch up.

It may seem that these stories of my day don't give off a vibe of pure enchantment or excitement, but for me, these people, these experiences left me with a sense of what life is really about. It's people. I mean, we all know this to an extent, but I feel that a lot of the time, we're so caught up in the shallowness of technology, letting that rule our conversations and relationships. Very rarely do people step out of their bubble of comfort and have striking conversations with people who you may walk away from and never know their names. In these moments of sharing words with other humans about life, you get brought back down to earth. The material things, the worrisome things, the stressful things get pushed aside and you can become so engulfed in this person in front of you. Strangers. People with stories and experiences. People with histories and battles scars. People with deep thoughts and sharp hearts. It's incredible. It's difficult to express my thoughts on all this. It for some reason feels like it's not translating properly through this keyboard. But oh well. Just take away the fact that human interaction fascinates me completely.

creative tuesdays

2012-01-17T17:05:00.000-08:00

Happy creative tuesday! Since I am indeed a stay at home mom, money doesn't come into my hands very often or easily, seeing that my partner is temporarily removed on another island. Being a mother, however, makes that much more of a problem than it would be otherwise. I do my best to stray from being materialistic, letting the world govern how I spend what little I have, although I cannot say I'm completely immune to giving in and buying something here and there. Many a time I've had something shipped to me, and once I have it sitting in my lap, clean and smelling fresh like a department store, I tend to have guilt over my purchase and end up shipping it back for a much wiser money return.

So with that being said, to generate some way of making money, I've been selling some of my jewelry every thursday at the craft fair held at the hotel my mom's salon is in. It's actually done more for me than Etsy has, seeing that there, it's tangible and wearable for buyers (you can actually try it on, one of the downsides to online browsing). Most of my pieces have actually been sold, which makes me incredibly happy! But my inventory is dwindling down to pretty much a small amount of necklaces and earrings, and it's that time again to build up a much needed stock. The past couple of nights I've used what little material I have left to create a couple new pieces that I almost wish to keep for myself! But alas, I'm not much of a jewelry wearer except I have a little obsession with rings... So scratch that. I don't wear much jewelry I should say, so keeping the necklaces I've made would only be hoarding out of aesthetic pleasure (because they're just so darn simple and pretty).

And I've been keeping up with my painting which is very much a surprise for myself. But, of course, there is a bit of a downside to this. I've begun and finished for the most part, the portrait portion of my newest painting, and to be honest: I don't like her. She's a beautiful girl, don't get me wrong. But for whatever reasons they may be, reasons that escape me, she just. doesn't. feel. right. And for an artist, almost a hundred percent of the time, if something that you're creating just doesn't resonate, or resonates for the wrong reason(s), then that feeling won't go away. No matter what the outside voices say: "What?! You're crazy! It looks great, don't change it! Keep going." - it won't matter because if something is irking you, it will haunt you forever unless you change it or scrap it all together and begin anew. So, I've already sketched up a new girl, and even from just the simplest line drawing of her, I'm so much more happy with her 'look' than my current girl. Call me picky, call me a perfectionist, but if my work is a reflection of my style, then by all means I will do whatever it takes to get it as right as I humanly can, even if that means scrapping a perfectly alright painting.

I won't throw her away ^ Perhaps I'll use her in the future, but for the piece I have intended to do, she isn't right. So, so long, lovely lady. Until we meet again, at the right time...

a little more

2012-01-12T17:58:00.000-08:00

I am so thankful for life. For these blessings. For these gifts. For these people.

I am so thankful for these magical creatures in my life.
My love, and our two babes.
My existence would be so much more different without them in it.
I love them all forever.

Bucket List Thursday

2012-01-12T17:26:00.000-08:00

Happy Bucket List Thursday! Trying my best to keep up on here. I'm starting to notice my lack of attention to posting everyday due to the fact that my energy is being distributed widely, between the kids and mom life, to writing a book, going crazy downloading / finding good music, and lots of daydreaming. BUT that means I'm staying busy in my creativity and not letting my time go to waste. There's so much I have planned - so many things going through my head that get me excited for this year. I keep getting so inspired by seeing other artists, whether musicians, painters, writers, doing what they love and being so joyful and proud of what their accomplishing. I want that, and I'm going to strive hard to get to that wonderful place. A place where I can stand back in a room full of my work and smile. It's time to get motivated, and not just for a little while and go back to an unsatisfactory sense of being. That being said....

With some encouragement from Kelsey, I hope to have another show in the summer for my artwork. I've got a deadline for myself to have at least four or five new pieces done before the end of February, and from there I'll create another deadline. But I'm really excited for this! I've been wanting to do another show for quite some time, since my last (and first, for that matter) was when I was about five months pregnant with Charlie.

Indefinitely I can say I've grown in my work since that time, and I'm starting to really know what I want from my work. More and more ideas are coming and now it's all about getting it down on those canvases and papers. This, to me, is like a new beginning, and now I really want to prove to myself that I can truly do this, not just as a hobby but possibly for a living. I know times are hard, and people paying for artwork isn't something you see happening as often, but I know of a lot of artists who are getting a lot of commissions and large fan bases with their support. So, we'll see what will happen. The future holds so much opportunity. Plus with God on my side, those opportunities? Endless. Wish me luck!

disorganized fun

2012-01-07T06:58:00.000-08:00

This is insane! He's seriously incredible.

I've probably watched this six times in the past couple of hours.

I keep coming back to it because it baffles me that this is even possible!

Musicians / Artists doing incredible things, and witnessing them love what they're

doing is one of the things I enjoy most watching.

Ronald Jenkees

IT'S LIKE HIS FINGERS ARE ON FAST FORWARD!

sleepy eyes

2012-01-07T06:44:00.000-08:00

I have finally started the process of writing my first story... It won't be a novel or anything of that size, at least I don't see it getting that intense at this point. Right now I see it as more of a short story. But come to think about it, with the amount of ideas and thoughts circling around in my mind, I could surprise myself. We'll see what comes. It's actually a little daunting, going through with this. I can't give up though. Help me stay motivated, guys! I really want to finish this, no matter how long it takes me. Months, years, whatever. I'm such an amateur but who cares. You've got to start somewhere, right?

Refurbished composition book. This is where all the magic is happening, on these pages. Ideas, dialogue, photos, inspiration, everything... Cut and hot glued an old headband on the back to hold it closed, and glued a folder pocket on the inside cover for all my loose notes and post-its. Also glued on some beautiful scrapbook craft paper and used masking tape to make a nice binding cover. Better than an ugly purple composition book. I'm such an aesthetically driven person, it's a little strange.

Things in my life as of late. So many things I want right now. Certain people physically in my life right now. Things that money can and can't buy. I'm so thankful for all that I have, don't get me wrong. But once again, I find myself in this waiting game. I know God is making me wait for these things for a reason, but because I have no clue of what this reason is, I'm becoming a little manic. Prayer is most suited for this predicament. Sleep as well.

Good night / Good morning

(it's 4:45 am. I NEVER SLEEP. I seriously live by the motto "I'll sleep when I'm dead." If it were at all possible to live without sleep, my eyes would never close except for times of blinking and deep thought....)

inspiring saturday

2012-01-07T05:02:00.000-08:00

I'm about to explode from sheer ecstasy just looking at these photos. Obsessed doesn't even describe this. Basically I convulsed while looking at all these photos I've obtained. If I had money, I'd have a ridiculous collection of minerals. Dream realized: To go to a mineral and fossil show. Happy inspiration. Happy inspiring saturday!

(FYI this is a huge post, with at least a hundred photos. You have been warned.)

Cave of the Crystals or Cueva de los Cristales

GIANT CAVE OF GIANT MINERAL CRYSTALS. AMAZING.

Carly Waito

That, that picture up above? That's an oil PAINTING. Check out her blog, she's an incredible artist.

i must get back to the country

2012-01-03T05:11:00.001-08:00

I miss roaming these fields and walking through the cool air... Really wishing for a few rolls of film, a good model or tripod, and some great outfits. So many things I want to do. It feels good to want to be creative again. These things can't be hindered any longer or else i'll implode.

i must get back to the sea

2012-01-03T04:15:00.001-08:00

I love my home.

creative tuesdays

2012-01-03T03:46:00.000-08:00

For creative tuesday, I created my first "board" on Pinterest!

See the whole board here : Wanderlust & The Wanderer

If anyone else is on Pinterest, let me know. I'd love to look at your creations. If you don't know what Pinterest is, it's basically a site where there's a myriad of photos that you can collect or use to create your own "board", almost in the fashion where you pin up a bunch of inspiring photos and things on a cork board in your room. I have my own in my room, and I love doing things like this, so I'm absolutely in love with the idea of this site. It's one of my creative endeavors of the day. Also, after some brainstorming and inspiration, I'm definitely on the track to maybe writing a book. Even though I've been talking about this lately, I really feel this urge to start really, truly writing a fiction book. Sounds weird, but this is just something that's been on my mind lately and these ideas for a story really need to be put down. So, I've gotten a fresh composition book, and today (let's hope) I'll start writing. Wish me luck!

little birdie

2012-01-02T03:58:00.000-08:00

I got a TWITTER account ...No idea how this will go!

Resisted up until this point, but I gave in. Oh well.

If you'd like a follower, let me know your username!

PS - Starting tonight:

monday music and quote

2012-01-02T03:52:00.000-08:00

The Go Round by Inf

"A woman's heart must be so

hidden in God that a man

has to seek Him to find her."

- Maya Angelou

Happy Monday!

thankful sunday

2012-01-02T03:39:00.000-08:00

It's 12:45 am so I'm still counting it as Sunday! Mostly because I really want to do this post. Today, and everyday, I'm thankful for Charlie and for our well-being. I'm just thankful to be alive. Thankful for the ability to feel healthy. Thankful for my time on earth. Thankful for my children, my family, my best friends, my lover, my life.

lies and locks

2011-12-31T04:35:00.000-08:00

It's amazing that it's new years eve today. How has time flown by this quickly? I'm baffled. Haven't posted in a few days... been pretty busy catching up with friends who are in town and just having good company around. Day dreaming a lot about the future; Good things only. Enjoying each day and staying busy. I still plan on writing a few stories out like I wanted to, which I think would be good for me in a way. But what I think is a healthy thing might not be, delving into the past in such a way that I'd be going over things in detail like that. Who knows; we'll just have to see.

Really craving a good book to read, and Going After Cacciato by Tim O'Brien is looking very satisfying. I randomly flipped to a page in it tonight just to see if I'd land on an interesting quote, and surprisingly I read "Without purpose, men will run" and I already know I'll love this book. His book The Things They Carried is one of my all time favorites. I never thought I'd love a book about the Vietnam war, but his writing style just draws me in.

I've been painting these past couple of nights since I brought my paints and brushes out of the closet on wednesday (when I had a breakdown from frustration). It's been nice, even though I've had my moments of going insane because I'm so out of shape. But I'm slowly bouncing back and getting into the groove. Getting better with my color mixes yet struggling with concepts. Trying not to get too concerned about that though. I just keep telling myself to just paint and not worry about the end product. Just let the right parts of my imagination dominate the need to perfect my work. Slowly improving, and slowly realizing that this is more than just a love - it's therapy.

"little ghost" my first oil painting

(on a small piece of bristol paper) in a long while.

MONSTER BANANA. This is real life, guys.

It was like holding a house phone. Ridiculous.

This isn't typical of me these days, but starting to feel like

I'd like to get in front of the camera again soon. Maybe I'll have

an impromptu self-timer photo-shoot if I'm feeling brave enough.

REALLY craving a legit photo-shoot, though.

Either me in front or behind the camera.

So many ideas buzzing around in my head!

inspiring saturdays

2011-12-31T04:10:00.000-08:00

Inspiration Overload

♫ JADE MCNELIS ♫

♫ MARK FOSTER ♫

creative tuesday

2011-12-27T15:07:00.000-08:00

Ate chocolate for breakfast at 1pm, ruining my diet. Bonnie won't sleep. Messed up two canvases attempting to paint. Got too ahead of myself. Can't find a decent reference photo; I'm too damn picky. Can't draw for sh-t today. OVER IT.

christmas

2011-12-26T14:04:00.000-08:00

Merry belated Christmas to all my lovely readers, whoever you all are out there! A simple weekend, to put it plainly. Nothing extravagant, nothing wild. Just family and peace. Still wishing all my loved ones were present, but still grateful for all that took place. It's true that the holidays point out our desire for the perfect life. The entire family sitting around a beautifully lit tree, opening presents and watching the Macy's Christmas Day Parade on television. But we mustn't forget what Christmas is truly about, our Savior being born unto the world. He came because of our imperfections, and even though our Holidays can be sad at times, our reason for the day is here for us, whenever we need Him.

My Dad pulling Charlie around the neighborhood in his new Radio Flyer.

Sexy watch I gifted myself this year.

Rainy Christmas Eve at my Grandma's. Love these kids!

monday music and quote

2011-12-26T13:49:00.000-08:00

Music

I Cried Like A Silly Little Boy - DeVotchka

Quote

questions for the curious

2011-12-24T13:54:00.000-08:00

So, my dear love Kelsey suggested I write a self-help book on advice about love. Don't know if I'd write a book about it, but I'd totally be up to answering questions that people have or just give advice. I don't want this to come off as weird or vain, or like I'm the best person to come to for guidance or anything like that. But I kind of like the idea of a Dear Abby part of my blog. Don't really know if I even have that many readers to ask me questions, but if anyone out there would like to, I'm open to helping! Part of me, after going through all I've gone through, wants to be some sort of counselor. I'd truly love helping others. So, all those out there seeking a second opinion on something, or just some friendly words, or even questions about myself, here's my e-mail! (I also left it on the left side of my page, under the "Got Questions?" section)

ChanelleGallafent@Yahoo.com

babes

2011-12-24T13:28:00.000-08:00

They will be such opposites, I can feel it. As a libra, I adore this balance...

inspiring saturday

2011-12-24T13:10:00.000-08:00

I posted a photo of these tattoos (below) last week wednesday I believe, but they've been inspiring me all week for whatever reasons they may be.

I wrote that I've been getting this little idea in my head that I might want to be getting a tattoo. But what I can't tell is if I'm serious, or if this is just a phase or temporary infatuation. I'm such a creature of change that, if I were to get something so permanent, would I be satisfied with it forever? I bug myself sometimes. Honestly, if I were to get a tattoo, it would be down the line in the near future, so of course I'd have time to ponder my decision. It has no real meaning behind it, which is something I always wanted a tattoo to have were I ever to get one. It's just aesthetically pleasing which is something I'm fond of - beauty. I'm also indecisive and picky. Again, bugging myself. Would I even be able to pull off a tattoo? I truly believe that some people can, and some can't. Don't know which category I fall into. If anything, these tattoos are just on my mind lately. Very inspirational, indeed. Opinions? Suggestions?

bucket list thursday

2011-12-22T16:03:00.000-08:00

I've always wanted to make a short movie, or make a music video. I make them in my mind all the time while listening to music and I've always had ideas for a short story or movie. So many thoughts swirling around in my head of people and visions. Music narrating a story. Ugh, so many beautiful things I want to create! Sometimes I feel like they wouldn't live up to what I see in my head, though. Part of it would be because I'm such an idealist. But still, the thought of creating something beautiful is just a pleasure for me. One day I'm going to do it. A camera. Music. People. A beautiful place. A story. Just give me one day and it could happen. It will happen. The magic is there, I just need to unleash it!

Even writing a story. I've always wanted to write some kind of story that ties into some sort of biography. I've lived through some strange and interesting experiences that I've always wanted to write out to share to people, regardless of how it's perceived. Maybe I should just start writing short stories of these experiences and one day piece them all together into a book. I've always wanted to do that, and just writing about it makes me really want to. I used to write poetry and in a crazy journal about them, but I threw most away. NOT SMART. But I did it out of wanting to start this new chapter in my life and stop looking back. Maybe I can look back for a little while though and bring these stories back to life. Maybe, just maybe...

wednesday wish list

2011-12-22T01:18:00.000-08:00

wise words

2011-12-20T13:41:00.000-08:00

From my favorite C.S. Lewis (I probably quote him more than anybody):

"Every time you make a choice you are turning the central part of you, the part of you that chooses, into something a little different from what it was before."

THE SEEDS WE SOW TODAY DETERMINE

THE KIND OF FRUIT WE'LL REAP TOMORROW.

creative tuesday

2011-12-20T13:37:00.000-08:00

I have been making Christmas presents like crazy! Danica asked me to make some for her to give away to friends and family (including that turquoise gold necklace that I posted a picture of a couple of posts ago). I made her three necklaces and we're going to Paia to get more materials so I can make a couple more things for her. She's the only person that I can recall who's bought any of my jewelry! So she's a great support for that. Plus I've made my own gifts to give to family and friends, so in the past week or so I've made at least ten pieces of jewelry. It's so fun, though. I absolutely love doing it. Here's photos of a necklace I made for my mom from an old cheap chain she wanted me to revamp, and the pair of earrings I'm giving to my sis! HAPPY CREATIVE TUESDAY! (& almost Christmas!)

Danica's necklaces.

Just because I love it so much!

another one

2011-12-19T05:44:00.000-08:00

Two more shots I found tucked away in a folder from an old shoot with Kelsey. I think it's seriously time to go through everything and edit more photos that haven't been considered the first time around. Or it's just time for another photo shoot. Any takers?

things are looking up

2011-12-19T05:21:00.000-08:00

Life is beautiful, I just have to remind myself once in a while, even though evidence is all around me.

Just some things I need to focus on:
- More sleep, less distraction. Rest is necessary for my sanity.
- Keep up with my sketching and creative outlets.
- Remember to bring out the keyboard and dust off my old music.
- Keep going with this blog. I'm doing great so far!
- Exercise routine is back in action! (Yesterday was my first day)
- Healthy eating. Standard.
- Read Bible everyday and keep praying praying praying. Essentials.
- More dates with friends.
- MORE PHOTOGRAPHS
- Hope more, dream big, pray hard, remain calm.
- Keep loving; Keep giving
- ENJOY BEING ALIVE!

And for fun, just a few of the things that my life has been filled with lately:

Forgot how much I love making jewelry.... swoon.

Inspiration!

My big boy!

Typical Skype dates with Kelsey.

Standard motherly duties.

Fuel.

Great company ♥

Little Bon-Bon! Already six weeks!

monday music and quote

2011-12-19T04:48:00.000-08:00

Music

The Shrine / An Argument by Fleet Foxes

(This song and music video is long, but beautiful)

Quote

Memories, imagination, old sentiments, and associations are more readily reached through the sense of smell than through any other channel.

Oliver Wendell Holmes

a sigh of relief

2011-12-19T04:33:00.000-08:00

Apologies for missing out on the past few days of my daily posts. Life has been a little overwhelming lately, and I've let it get the most of me. I've been so consumed with thoughts and just things of an unhealthy nature, and I finally am going to put it to a stop. Anyone who's talked to me lately has, I'm sure, sensed a dark undertone to all that I say or bring up in conversation. I've been stuck in this very gloomy, depressing state of mind that I became lost in and somewhat strangely enough, reveled in. Entertaining dangerous thoughts had become some kind of treacherous game I'd play with, or I should say, on, myself. The temptation of continuing on this destructive road seamed appealing enough for me to give in, and I did. Oh yes I did. And I just kept digging myself deeper and deeper into a despair that seemed so familiar to my days in high school. Why do humans sometimes take such a delight in darkness? Why do these bodies haunt us day in a day out, whether we recognize it or not?

Y'know, sometimes we live our lives and go through the motions, and we forget to see the greater picture. We forget to step back and remember what this life is really about and what's truly going on behind the scenes. We forget that there are dark forces behind our temptations. We forget about the true inner war between the flesh and spirit, even though we feel it raging in our bones. The Devil and His demons and the spiritual things that surround us are so unbelievably real, yet we fail to recognize their work in our minds and thoughts and actions. They can so easily put a very seemingly insignificant thought into your mind, and as you are tempted into entertaining that though, you slowly let it dance around your head. You let these things grow and multiply until they become this swarm - this plague. You begin to lose yourself to yourself and you slowly and gradually begin to disintegrate into a pile of dust, sorrow, and regret. Wallowing in self pity becomes an everyday activity. Depression creeps it's way into your blood. You become crazy - stir crazy. You're confused and you don't even know what you want anymore when you really think you do.

I let the dark forces take control of every part of me. I was passive and let them dangle their tricks in front of me and I took the bait time and time again, even though I could almost hear them laughing at how easy their trickery had turned me into this person I couldn't even look at in the mirror and recognize. Her glazed over eyes. The lack of life in them... the haze. Attempts to smile were pointless and everything just became a chore. It's not postpartum depression. Don't anyone dare call it that. It was just everything hitting me at once. If anyone truly knew the things I have to emotionally and physically juggle, they'd understand to a point what this phase is. And that's exactly what this is. It's this phase in my life that I have to push through to get to the other side. This is exactly what happens when something wonderful is going to happen. When God has an amazing blessing coming right around the corner, the Devil knows it and sees it and wants to rip it away from you. He comes at all angles, relentless and brutal in his attacks. Mind, spirit, physical, emotional. Everything. All at once. And it hits you like a train. It blinds you until you regain some kind of consciousness and then you realize that this will all be over soon. The blessings are just around the corner, but if you want it, you have to fight for your life. You have to scrape for God's hand to get you out of this deep hole that you've managed to find yourself in.

There's beauty coming, I can just feel it. But I have to fight harder and stronger everyday to get to it. Just in the way labor works. The stronger and more painful the contractions get, the closer you are to having your beautiful baby in your arms. But you have to keep pushing forward and you can't give up. You can't get stuck and sit there and wallow. It's so distracting and so pointless if you want to get things done. There is no point to regret. There is no point in thinking about what could've happened. There is no point in wishing to go back to how things were. Now it's time to truly be tested. If you want to know how strong you are, then let the Devil and His demons come and bind you in their lies. IT'S ALL LIES. Whispered in your ear every moment of the day. Then as they break you down you truly understand you aren't strong at all unless you have God's strength working on your behalf. I have to remember to rely on Him for everything and anything. He's testing my faith. He wants to give me hope. Like Jeremaiah 29:11 says "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord. 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

It's not over. I'm getting there, but everyday I just have to keep looking forward with my eyes on God, trusting Him in everything. My life is nothing without Him in it, and these past few weeks have been a testament to that. The further you walk from your source of life, the less clear everything becomes. The more you lose yourself to everything and everyone around you and to the world, the more they drain you of everything you are. The less you talk with God, the more you start to unknowingly converse with demons. But you can't let them win. They will not get the best of me. I will hand everything I have back over to Him and just trust in His judgement, because I know that wherever He decides to take me, there my happiness will be also.

flashback friday

2011-12-16T14:32:00.000-08:00

Alas, I have missed my first day posting my daily posts. Since I had changed Thursdays to Bucket List Thursdays I was excited to write but yesterday was just far too hectic for much to really get done. Didn't get to sleep till around 4am WITHOUT getting time to myself. Usually Bonnie will be in bed around midnight - 2am, then I stay up (foolishly) for two or so hours. But my night was solely a large attempt to get Bonnie back to sleep. Although I cannot say my night didn't involve some fun since I had a very long typical Skype session with my dearest best friend Kelsey, and was able to start an almost finished sketch.

Anyway, today is Flashback Friday!

Just looking at these photos, I could cry. Seeing that little baby face, then imagining the person Charlie is today. A little man, my little toddler. It's amazing how time truly flies when sitting here thinking in retrospect. At these moments these photos were taken, life, I'm sure, felt like it was dragging on. I remember at this point in Jonathan and my life, we were just so confused as to where life was going to take us. But little did we know what would follow within the next months.

It's crazy how we are sometimes just so unaware of God's plans for our lives. We were happy then. Restless, but happy with each other. But now, experiencing the kind of happiness we have now in our relationship and with ourselves, that happiness back then (although wonderful) was nothing compared to what we share now. The people we've become, even though we carry so much baggage into this relationship and we've gone through Hell and back, we truly are at a place in our lives where we realize just how blessed we are to have what we have. We're so happy for our children and for the transformations that have taken place in ourselves. Individually, we still struggle day in and day out with the essence of who we are as people. I am so unbelievably aware of my flaws and I know Jonathan is too. But life truly is beautiful. When you flip through old photographs, you really become struck with awe at how life sometimes passes you by so quickly that in the blink of an eye, you're seven years older with children and a life with the person you were planning on being with forever since the day you met.

Seven years have passed since the day I first met Jonathan. A year and a half has passed since Charlie was born. And Bonnie is already five weeks old. Each day just seems to slip out of my hands quicker and quicker. It's bittersweet, since there are so many things I'm waiting for to happen in the next few months. But it's so painful to let it go. To let time take it's course and to grow up. We are helpless in the process of time aging us. There's no turning back the clock. There's no rewind button. And it's painful to think about it. Sometimes I think about how if I could turn back time, I'd do things so much more differently. But there's this part of me that wouldn't want to change things. The part of me with no regret. Sometimes, I'd rather just start from the beginning and live it all over again.

wednesday wish list

2011-12-14T17:28:00.000-08:00

Happy Wednesday! Here's my current wish list:

Gemstones, gemstones, gemstones. BULLET GEMSTONES.

Kind of wanting a tattoo...

A nice work space.

Coziness with my love.

THIS ON REPEAT:

creative tuesdays

2011-12-13T04:41:00.000-08:00

It's 2:40 am, which means:

Happy Creative Tuesdays!

Here's a quick sketch I just did.

Really realizing how much I miss drawing all the time.

Must. Keep. Doing. It!

two things :

2011-12-12T04:04:00.000-08:00

1. I need a corgi.

2. Molarbear. Get it?

That is all.

monday music and quote

2011-12-12T03:39:00.000-08:00

Music

Empire Ants by Gorillaz ft. Little Dragon

Magic...

Quote

“The thing is, most of the time when you’re coming pretty close to doing it with a girl ... she keeps telling you to stop. The trouble with me is, I stop. Most guys don’t. I can’t help it. You never know whether they really want you to stop, or whether they’re just scared as hell, or whether they’re just telling you to stop so that if you do go through with it, the blame’ll be on you, not them. Anyway, I keep stopping. The trouble is, I get to feeling sorry for them. I mean most girls are so dumb and all. After you neck them for a while you can really watch them losing their brains. You take a girl when she really gets passionate, she just hasn’t any brains. I don’t know. They tell me to stop, so I stop.”

- The Catcher in the Rye

Still one of my favorite quotes of all time.

thankful sundays

2011-12-12T02:33:00.000-08:00

I used to write in journals. Ever since the fourth grade I'd write everything and anything down. I loved it. Getting every thought out of my head onto paper. The secrets I kept in them. It felt great expressing myself that way. The freedom it would bring was unmatched and it would always give me a feel of relief. But these days, I'm a different person and this newer person is someone who is sometimes ashamed of who she is. It's a reason why now, I could never keep a journal. I've tried so many times, but as my true thoughts hit the paper, I became scared of who this person was that was writing those words. The ugliness of the truth within her; Her true character exposed. What really scares me is what would happen if someone else were to find it; if they were to read what really goes on inside my mind. I already know how ugly I am on the inside. I'm so aware of my deep flaws and foolishness it's sickening. But for someone else to become aware of it is something I could never live with. I let people see only what I want them to see; let them hear what I want them to hear. I'll expose only so much of myself, even to the ones I call closest to me. Even to Jonathan. Everyone, married or single or dating or whatever - we all let people in to a certain extent. Like my favorite quote in Titanic says, "a woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets", and it's true. I hide so many memories and feelings inside of myself that I wish I could let it out. Part of me wants to share the terrible parts of me - the strange truth behind all of my past - but I don't know what that would mean. What would I become? To be open in that way is such a scary thing, and I don't think I could ever do that. Sometimes I want to write a book about all of my experiences, good and bad. But then what? Who would love me then? Who would hate me then? Who would I scare? Who would I enlighten?

But don't we all struggle with this? Aren't we (for the most part) aware of just how ugly human nature can be? What it can turn us into? And that's not to say that we don't have unbelievable good within us as well. People are capable of doing amazing, beautiful, wonderful things! I know there's good in me as well. There's potential for good in everyone. That, too, is a part of our human nature. But these two parts within us are in a constant battle with one another.

So to bring me to my point as to why I'm thankful, I'm thankful for this: That no matter who thinks they know me the best, no one really does. No one will ever know the whole and complete Chanelle except for God. And the crazy, unbelievable, unfathomable thing is: He loves me despite my wretchedness. He is the only who who sees one hundred percent of me. My every thought, my every desire and my every action. It's scary and wonderful all at the same time. When you become aware of His omnipresence, it's quite intimidating. But then you remember Jesus and His sacrifice on the cross. You remember His forgiveness even though He knows everything you've done and ever will do - good and evil. To think that someone would die for you regardless of how terrible you can be and sometimes are is an amazing thought. I don't deserve it. None of us do. But that's the beauty of the sacrifice. Grace through faith. Just knowing that I'm perfectly loved by God despite my downfalls is how I'm able to live with myself day in and day out. I can live life without guilt even though I don't always choose to do so. But it's there... rest in His perfect, undying love. And I'm set free. So today, and every day, I'm thankful for the cross and for God's love for me and for all of us. I'm thankful that I know Him. I'm thankful for His blessings and His presence in my life. I'm alive because of Him, and that always makes everyday worth living.

love

2011-12-10T06:09:00.001-08:00

They are my world...

inspiring saturdays pt. 2

2011-12-10T05:33:00.001-08:00

Dear Photograph

I love this blog ^

I start to cry from some of the posts.

Mostly the ones of when people were children,

because after having two, you really do realize just

how quickly time flies, and how you can never get that time

back. It's a sad reality, but it makes you realize just how much you

really need to cherish every moment of every day you spend together.

"Dear Photograph,
There has always been a little superhero hiding, somewhere, in all of us. It’s what you do with your powers that makes you fly.

Jenny"

holy cuteness

2011-12-10T05:27:00.001-08:00

I just about died.

change

2011-12-10T04:25:00.001-08:00

After some thought, I've changed my thursday posts from "truthful thursdays" to "bucket list thursdays". This way I can avoid the strange feeling of trying to muster up something interesting about myself and feeling quite immodest. A bucket list day of the week seems far more interesting, and I enjoy the idea of it far more. Basically, as it seems, i'll post about something I'd like to do before I die.

I was inspired by this page I stumbled upon, literally with StumbleUpon.

So, there you have it. Thursdays are officially changed to Bucket List Thursdays! Yippee.

Inspiring saturdays

2011-12-10T04:01:00.001-08:00

Inspiring words for Inspiring Saturdays

flashback friday

2011-12-10T03:46:00.001-08:00

These.... now these are memories worth remembering. These people; these loves of mine. You're always loved by me. My heart holds you all in a very special place. Missing you all dearly (with the exception of my dear Danica whom I still see). Can't wait till I see your faces again. Love you all with so much of my heart. I'll never forget you, also, San Francisco. Part of my heart was left in your streets and alleyways. Someday i'll return to reclaim it.

I love you, San Francisco. I really, really do.

truthful thursdays

2011-12-09T02:10:00.001-08:00

Another late night post, so technically it's friday, but I didn't want to miss today. I'm really trying my best to not miss out on any posts! So, truthful thursdays are for fun facts, or a fun fact, about myself. Good thing this only comes once a week, facts about myself I mean. Maybe I should change thursdays to something else. I'll think about possibilities this week. It's hard sometimes to think of interesting things to say about yourself. So here's a little list of things that I like. It's an easy way to kind of get a feel of who I am and the things I enjoy and take interest in. I've done lists like this before, but they're always fun to write...

♡ Raw gemstones

♡ Seashells and Sea glass

♡ Driftwood

♡ Film photographs

♡ Sun dresses

♡ Floral prints

♡ Thunder and lightning

♡ Dawn; early morning before sunrise

♡ Moccasins

♡ Wooden floors and white walls

♡ Perfume

♡ Candles

♡ Nostalgia; reminiscing; memories

♡ Deep space; galaxies; etc.

♡ Zoology, entomology, botany, anatomy, biology

♡ The smell of coffee

♡ Clouds

♡ Art Nouveau

♡ Willow trees

♡ White dress shirts

♡ Eskimo kisses

♡ Wanderlust

♡ Soft skin

♡ Simple, delicate gold jewelry

♡ Minimalism; simplicity

♡ Hand written letters

♡ Wise words

♡ Tapestries and quilts

♡ Romance

♡ Unpainted nails

♡ Thrifting

♡ Hydrangeas

♡ The sounds of the ocean

♡ The sound of wind in the trees

♡ Philanthropy

♡ Collarbones

♡ Animal skeletons

♡ Wildlife

♡ The smell of damp earth

♡ The smell of forest floors and compost

♡ Natural light

♡ Interior design

♡ Down tempo music

♡ Day dreaming; fantasizing; déjà vu

♡ Cooking homemade meals

♡ Wooden furniture

♡ Creating with my hands

♡ Milk chocolate

♡ Drinking from mason jars

♡ The smell of fresh herbs

♡ Slow dances

♡ Collecting paint swatches

♡ Feathers

♡ Hand, leg, and feet fetishes

♡ Beautiful gardens

♡ The feel of mixing oil paints

♡ Diplomacy; morale

♡ All things organic and natural

♡ Rain

the ghost inside

2011-12-08T03:44:00.001-08:00

Feeling like a zombie. Sleepy eyes and good music. Goodnight, fellas.

wednesday wish list

2011-12-07T22:40:00.001-08:00

Right now all I really wish for is a cozy little place to call our own. Nothing fancy, just a simple little apartment or cottage. Clean white walls and beautiful wooden floors. A blank canvas to work my magic on. I could talk for hours about my dream home, but I wrote a little of that in the past in this post. There are just no words to describe the excitement i'll feel when Jonathan and I finally have our own place. I'll be squealing with joy like a little school girl for weeks. Other than that, here are some other little things on my wish list in life:

But if I could ask Santa this year for one reasonable Christmas

present, it would be this

watch

from Urban Outfitters.

Sigh. Why do beautiful things have to be out of my reach?

Humbling, indeed...

St. Elmo's Fire

2011-12-07T03:04:00.001-08:00

Sigh. Why are 80's movies so magical? I watched Pretty in Pink yesterday, and I just finished watching St. Elmo's Fire for the first time. To top it off I should watch The Breakfast Club tomorrow or something. John Hughes is a miracle worker. Was a miracle worker. Rest in peace. I wish these movies would never end. Isn't it wild to think about how you can escape into these people's lives for an hour or two, and when it ends, and the credits finally begin to roll, you sometimes want to cry? Just in the way it feels like when you turn the last page of a good book. How the characters dance around in your mind for hours afterwards - sometimes days and weeks. It does fade, of course. You go back to your regular days and return to life as you know it. But those hours you spent with these people can make you miss them so much that you have to return to them at some point? Y'know, we may call special effects "movie magic", but I really think the magic of movies is that they can make you fall in love so suddenly with people that don't even really exist...

creative tuesdays

2011-12-06T21:38:00.001-08:00

Bonnie was quite the tired little one today, so I was able to get some fun stuff done and organize a little which was great. I finished up a cone shell and wood wall hanging I started about a week ago. I originally had three rows of shells but decided to add on another two last night. Made it look more full. I'm really happy with how it turned out. I could seriously make these for a living if anyone would buy them... Other than that, I just made a little string photo hanger on my wall and made a little magazine lettering picture to hang above the babes dresser. Got a little crafty today. It was nice. Happy creative Tuesday!

Monday music and quote

2011-12-06T01:32:00.001-08:00

After several hours of attempting to get a sleepy, cranky four week old to bed, and finally succeeding, I can finally write today's post while treating myself to some good music and a milky way (although I don't typically like them - some form of chocolate is necessary to relax and unwind). So! Today is music monday and quote, and although I wish I could've posted far earlier in the day (it is currently near midnight), preferably in the morning, this is all I am capable of at the moment. Today was quite the busy day but tomorrow I have the feeling will be more low-key. In hopes of that, maybe there will be a way I can post before evening. Anywho, here's today's music and quote.

Music

Houdini by Foster the People feat. Kenny G (Live on SNL)

Most of you may already know who this group is, most likely from their song Pumped Up Kicks. But if you don't know who these guys are, you're really missing out on some great music! I didn't know who they were until this weekend, and I admit, I've become mildly obsessed. Pumped Up Kicks came onto my Pandora station and of course loved the song. After that I fell in love with the music video and wanted to know more about them, which lead to finding more of their music. That then lead to doing some research on them, google searches, interview videos, concert & show videos, and coming upon their official website. I may be late in finding them, but my adoration is immense. Mark Foster, the lead singer and songwriter, and ultimately the one to start the group, is quite amazing to say the least. He's such an intelligent and passionate artist. You can see it in every performance. They're supposedly (according to their website) coming to Honolulu for a show in February! And I'm devastated that I'm 99.9% positive I'd never be able to go. Seeing these guys live would be a dream come true. And I'm not just saying that in the way that most people exaggerate the term "You're my hero!"...It really would be a dream come true. THEY'RE SO GOOD LIVE. I'm making Kelsey promise me that somehow we'll find a way to go see them for my 21st. It's not impossible. But really, if you don't know who they are, listen to their album Torches. My favorites are (and I suggest):

Houdini

Pumped Up Kicks

Call It What You Want (music video)

Life On The Nickel

Warrants

Helena Beat (music video)

^ Those two music videos are so strange and good ^

------

Quote

(poem)

"The Grizzly Bear's huge and wild;

He has devoured the infant child.

The infant child is not aware

It has been eaten by the bear."

Infant Innocence - A.E. Housman

-----

So, it's currently 1am. It literally took me an hour to write this. Bonnie is currently fighting her sleep. I don't know how I'm functioning at the moment, but I am. Time for bed. Goodnight friends and readers!

thankful sundays

2011-12-04T13:50:00.001-08:00

Today I really just want to say how thankful I am for my best friend (other than Jonathan) Kelsey. To be honest, I can't really remember how it is that we met or how we really became such good friends, but what I do know is that I couldn't imagine my life without her. For whatever reasons, we're so strangely similar but so different, and it causes us to bond so well it's... weird. There's never judgments. There's never cattiness. It's just always pure fun whenever we're together. Alone, as individuals we're pretty strange as it is, but when joined, to witness us at our best, if you could call it that, it's not for the faint of heart. We just sometimes aren't fathomable by others because we can be so silly. But that's just fine with us. No matter how far we are geographically, we're always close in the heart. And once reunited, it's as if we were never apart. It's just part of our nature to pick up where we left off. There aren't many fond memories of mine that don't have her in them since we're bound by the hip. Through the intense highs and intense lows, and through everything in-between, we've been there for each other. Thick and thin, truly. The funny thing is, I don't ever recall us ever getting into a real argument or fight for that matter. She's sincerely special to me, and I hope that God just blesses our relationship more and more as time goes by; Because there's no one in my life like her, and there will never be anyone who could possibly replace her. Love you, Kelsey!

1:40am

2011-12-04T03:40:00.001-08:00

Having bad thoughts. Don't even know why i'm writing this out for you all to read. I'm in such a fantastic mood, but still having thoughts I shouldn't have. Why is it such a battle for me? Want what you can't have. Have what you don't appreciate. I'm such a terrible person sometimes. Stop coveting. Stop wishing for things I shouldn't wish for. Time to slap myself back to reality. My fantasies and daydreams aren't going to change anything.

Tumblr

2011-12-04T01:13:00.001-08:00

Yep, created a Tumblr account.
anowlsoul's tumblr
I know a lot of people do it. It's a place to steal other people's photos. Whatever, I love it! I have so many photos on my computer of beautiful things. Beautiful people. Beautiful places. A LOT of beautiful spaces (interior design). They need to be shared. My collection of sorts. I'm a photo hoarder; I hoard beautiful things. I've started following so many great blogs lately with so many great photos (mostly interior design blogs. My love for I.D. is ridiculous as some of you may already realize). So if you'd like to see my collection unfold, come visit once in a while. Take the beautiful images you see. Do with them what you will; admire - repost - anything. They just cannot be kept all to myself any longer.

Inspiring Saturdays

2011-12-04T00:11:00.001-08:00

And so, without further ado, to kick off my new "Day of the Week Posts",
here is my first ever Inspiring Saturdays inspiration!

Illustraion by Denise Nestor

We Love Illustration

I found this blog quite some time ago. It's called We Love Illustration, and they post beautiful Illustrations from tons of amazing artists. It's nice to just sit back and go through the site, soaking up the images one by one in awe and peace. Sometimes it baffles you at how ingenious and creative some people are. You wonder what their minds must be like; unique in the ways they cause these illustrators to do what they do. Whenever I see the art, it motivates me to keep on in my journey with my art. I really do think that the artist's journey never ends. It stirs something within me to want more from my own work. If you love art, or just beauty in general, I strongly suggest you check it out.

A new idea

2011-12-03T17:12:00.001-08:00

So, I'm pretty excited to present a new idea I have for this blog. Basically, my blog is just a personal one. It doesn't focus on one particular topic, just my thoughts, things I love, and occasionally i'll feature something interesting I find on the internet. You could call it my life blog, so to speak. But for a while i've been wanting more from it. Something to keep me coming back almost everyday, even when I don't have anything in particular to write about, just so that I keep up with it and don't forget it like I have many a time. So, here's my proposal... Each day of the week I'll write & post on the particular topic of that day. Here are the topics I thought of:

Music Monday & Quote

Pretty basic. I'll just post a video or the name of a song and artist that I enjoy, whether newly discovered (usually on Pandora or recommendation) or an old favorite, and a good quote to start off the week.

Creative Tuesdays

Now this is a post that will help keep me productive in my arts. During this day i'll try to make / create something. Use my creativity in some way. Could be by sketching some portraits, maybe even painting. Anything that requires me to focus on something I love. Using my hands and imagination.

Wednesday Wish-list

This days post will be of something I would love to have; material, spiritual, emotional, physical. Anything that is something that I wish was in my possession. Something I feel I need (typically not material.) Something I just plain out want (most likely material. Hmmph).

Truthful Thursdays

I'll post a fact or two about myself. Not just run-of-the-mill facts like my favorite color or movie. I'll dig deep within myself and bring something out for you to ponder. I'll try to keep it interesting. This cooould be subject to change if I find i'm not as interesting as I presume (haha).

Flashback Fridays

Friday is a fun day. I'll post a photo and / or talk about a particular memory of the past.

Inspiring Saturdays

Simple. This day will be a post of something that inspires me. Either it'll inspire me to be a better person, or it will inspire my creativity. Anything that sparks something from within, I should say. Could be a photo from the gigantic load i've hoarded on my computer. Could be a website or video or whatever.

Thankful Sundays

Sundays are good easy days that typically bring in a positive energy which will easily inspire me to write about something I'm thankful for. Anything; Anyone. This will also help keep me grounded and humble.

So? What do you guys think? If you guys (whoever you are! / and say hello if you are a new visitor, or a visitor at all! Sometimes I feel like i'm writing to myself, which I could most likely be doing...) have any better ideas for any of the days, let me know! These are just what I could think of from the top of my head. Feedback would be lovely. But if none is given, expect something (HOPEFULLY!) every day! And this also doesn't mean that i'm going to stop writing about what I normally write about (myself, my thoughts, so on and so forth). These are just things to keep me coming back everyday. If I have something else to write about, then of course i'll write about it! It'll be the same personal blog, except with more pizzazz. Does anyone ever use that word anymore?

Hidden Beauty

2011-12-01T02:38:00.000-08:00

Tonight I was going through some old photo-shoot folders and came across an unedited gem that needed some attention, and this was the result. I definitely miss editing. Someday soon i'll be able to get the time to shoot. But now it's off to bed. Goodnight readers, whoever you may be.

patience can be terrible

2011-11-30T15:24:00.000-08:00

I forgot for a moment how dark I can get. I'm so driven by emotion sometimes. Currently compartmentalizing everything so I can just move on. So on a lighter note, it's been somewhat of a lonely day. With Charlie up at my grandmother's house playing with my family for the day and Bonnie sleeping for the most part, i've had quite some time to myself. The house felt emptier than usual which is bittersweet. I was able to sketch a little but got side tracked by strange thoughts.

I feel like i'm losing my mind a little. It's a mix between confusion and being lost. I'm starting to think that this is another one of those times in my life where something, just something, is going to happen. Magical, beautiful, terrifying, or painful. Whatever it may be, change feels right around the corner. Or maybe that's wishful thinking. What's driving me crazy is that i've been waiting. It's as if my life this past year has been filled with periods of countdowns towards something. Waiting. Patience. And this next year is going to be filled with the same things. I can make only so much happen by my own hands. The rest is up to God. But I just wish the things i've been waiting for would arrive. I'm so sick of being patient.

Breathe me

2011-11-30T15:03:00.000-08:00

Have your memories ever eaten you alive? Starting their way deep within, working their way out towards the surface. I see their faces. I see certain places. The music... oh the music. The notes carry with them feelings and emotions I don't want to experience. But they come. Unrelenting; unforgiving. Suddenly you feel bound by what you thought you'd broken free from years before. Aware of just how small you really are. Physically a mere grain of sand in the vastness of everything surrounding you. Like the universe is swallowing you whole in it's entirety - then suddenly nothing else matters but these memories. Those faces. Those places. Words spoken and the churning of the heart. Sometimes, reminiscing is a dangerous thing.

milk and honey

2011-11-30T07:05:00.000-08:00

I cannot believe I've been awake all night and all of this early morn. It's currently 5:20 and for some reason I don't have much of a tired feeling, although if I were to lay down, I'd surely pass out. The whole day and night and I guess part of this new day has been dedicated to getting this blog, my online portfolio, and my deviantart account revamped (Check them out on the links to the right! -->). I'm FINALLY done after all this time, but it's been great to go through all of my photography again. Hopefully someday soon there's another photo shoot in my future, because how I miss editing and shooting! I miss all of my art. One day at a time, like I said. Tomorrow will be dedicated to my sketching. Tonight I found some great reference photos for some portrait drawings, so there's no excuse to not bring out the sketchbook and pencil.

There's been a lot of old and recurring thoughts popping into my head now that i've started writing and posting again. So tomorrow is another day to write, but for now, this post ends here. I can hear Bonnie squeaking and stretching in bed. She's quite loud when she moves around in her sleep. Now that my work is done, it's time to retire. Goodnight!

Motherhood and motivation

2011-11-29T13:54:00.000-08:00

So, I've decided (with help, motivation, and inspiration thanks to Michelle) that I am to blog more and keep up with my art / creative outlets. I will take it one day at a time, alternating between different things so that I don't become bored with any one thing. Even though I am a stay-at-home mom, "homemaker" for short, I do have more time than I expected. I guess that's what a lot of stay-at-home moms realize after becoming bored, which is why they are humorously stereotyped as women who love to drink a lot to pass the time... or as i've seen in a cartoon once, drinking anything containing alcohol like mouthwash. Ha!

But I digress. My mindset should be that I see my art as my job from home, which it can easily turn into in reality. I've been out of the loop, as you could call it, with my drawing/painting/etc. so it's going to take lots of practice, patience, and time to get myself back into good "shape". I think art is a lot like anything you need to exercise; it's possible to get out of shape. You don't practice, you get out of the swing of things. It's just the way it is. I can see it when I attempt to sketch out a portrait nowadays. I suck compared to where I was about a year ago. So like I said: one day at a time. Alternating between jewelry, painting, sketching, inspiration collage books, and photography when I get the time to. And I can do my best to blog more often. I do enjoy blogging, even though i've struggled with keeping up with writing on a constant level and have made promises to write more that have never been kept. So no promises, just hopes. I need to keep up with my relationship with God as well. I've been sucking at everything lately. I'm in a funk. A rut. Whatever you could call it, i'm just not in good shape... physically (well, I did just have a baby 3 weeks ago. I can exercise in 3 more weeks - doctors orders), spiritually, mentally. I think that's what happens when you live in routine. You lose sight of the possibilities in life. You get stuck. -sidenote: i totally forgot how MUCH I write when I really want to blog.-

I think it also is a side-effect to not being as social as you're used to. I haven't seen many people outside of my everyday sphere of companions. But no more letting any of this stuff stop me. I'm using excuses to hinder myself. Self destruction maybe? A slow and steady walk into some kind of self death perhaps? C.S. Lewis once said "The safest road to Hell is the gradual one - the gentle slope, soft underfoot, without sudden turnings, without milestones, without signposts." That may be a bit much in contrast to my situation, but it is the truth. I'm slowly letting myself get eaten up by the world, and it's got to stop. Complacency cannot take place. It's time to change.

P.S. - The first photo is of Bonnie! Our new addition to the family.